Life As A Pumpkin Ghost; It Isn't Being Orange (Not to Mention Invisible)

In recent weeks Scoop and others have educated you at Newsvine about the hard luck life of pumpkins, even in the Newsvine office. I thought we - and Scoop agreed to help with this - would end Pumpkin Awareness Month - with one final piece educating the messes about the tough traumatic tumultuous Troubled Tricky life that pumpkins are forced to endure. Most of the pumpkin education pieces have been collected here.

So now you think you know everything you wanted to know about pumpkins but were afraid to ask? Well, for some reason writers, Scoop included, talk about ghosts and pumpkins as if they are two separate things.

Are you ready for this? We are here. We are pumpkin ghosts, also known as ghost pumpkins. Some call themselves pumpkin-Americans. The important thing is we are here and people need to understand why we are here and the reason is simple: some people don't follow through on their pumpkin plans.

Next time you are at a pumpkin patch you may notice something odd. - the sneaking suspicion that there are more pumpkins present than you could see with your own naked eye.

I am referring, of course, to pumpkin ghosts.

Let me try to anticipate and answer the five most common questions about pumpkin ghosts

1. How are pumpkin ghosts created? This issue is much less complex and divisive than the tougher one of when a pumpkin's life truly begins. Even McCain put out negative ads on that issue, accusing Obama of being anti-pumpkin-life. It is pretty simple - when someone acquires a pumpkin but opts not to use said pumpkin then that pumpkin becomes

2. What is the pumpkin ghost amnesty program aka pay-it-forward-pumpkin-ghost-style? People can make up for poor pumpkin behavior through an amnesty program. For one month a year people can get a pumpkin and after finding a use for it they give that pumpkin to someone else. In this way they are paying it forward, pumpkin ghost style. For each pumpkin paid forward one pumpkin ghost is then able to go to its final resting place, that huge pumpkin patch up above.

Why, you may ask, have you never been informed that November is Pumpkin Ghost Amnesty Awareness Month? It's pretty simple - it's because of media bias. More on that in a minute

3. Are you now, or have you ever been, part of the pumpkin porn industry I refuse to answer that question on the grounds of self-incrimination. Besides, technically I thought that industry had gone kaput, pumped its last seed

4. Why have I not heard of pumpkin ghosts before this Because of the anti-pumpkin-ghost-lobby which is quite powerful and controls the news media. This is also why you have not heard before about the pumpkin amnesty program.

5. What is the most shocking thing about pumpkin ghosts The fact that until you read this line you thought we existed. You have been pumpk'd (punked, pumpkin style)!

(insert eerie sounds of pumpkin ghost cackling)

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