Reasons For McCain's Recent Idiotic Behavior Discovered: Cheney Has Been Running the Campaign

News Type: Opinion — Fri Sep 26, 2008 12:18 PM EDT

Image courtesy of Blaise

The Weakly World News, Newsvine's premiere publication for journalism so hot MSNBC won't even return our calls (not to mention the restraining order, all a big misunderstanding about our Big Foot coverage) has some shocking news. To wit...

Vice President Dick Cheney, a man so reclusive and secretive that JD Salinger has called him a "hermit freak," has been calling the shots this week for John McCain, the Weakly World News has learned. The news that a man as famous for cussing as for shooting others was the one advising McCain explained McCain's odd behavior this week.

Cheney is well known for preferring Katie Couric to David Letterman, saying she has better legs and throws more softball questions, and so Cheney was the one who urged McCain to skip going on Letterman's shows. His advisers were apoplectic over the decision, the insiders told us, because they correctly predicted Letterman will now find a way to criticize McCain in every show until election.

Cheney, according to Bob Woodward's next book, is still fuming over the advisers prank-gone-wild that led to the selection of Palin as McCain's v.p., a story the Weakly World News was the first to report.

There were reports that Cheney was arranging to have Letterman taken out for "hunting" this weekend, preferably during the debate when the rest of the world's attention was watching to see if McCain's famous temper will flare up.

Cheney was also responsible for McCain's attempt to do a political version of a time-out about tonight. One sticking point was that McCain and Cheney objected to language urged by Obama whereby the political figures would have to go through a metal detector before the debate.

Another sticking point was the debate organizers refused to allow McCain to stand behind a lifesized flag pin for the duration of the debate.

The Weakly World News will continue to monitor these reports, not letting facts getting in the way of a good story (thanks, Fox News, for teaching us that trick) and will publish the ~~rumors~~ news as soon as we get them. In other news, Weakly World News has obtained a copy of a drinking game circulating at the White House.

Under the rules of the game one is to drink each time McCain says "my friends," each time Obama refers to his family, each time McCain mentions his POW experience and each time the moderator asks the audience to shut the @!$%# up (even if he doesn't use the f word - it's just implied).

Also obtained was a Surgeon General's warning that the drinking game could easily lead someone to get so drunk that they would think Palin had world experience since Alaska is close to Russia. We will strive to give you the best ~~gossip~~ scoops as we get them.

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