Weakly World News Exclusive: Santa's Surprise Stalker Scandal!

The Weakly World News has learned that Santa Claus, rather than taking his traditional vacation to
Jamaica to relax post Chrismas trip, has instead had to take a trip to the FBI where he is under arrest pending allegations of stalking, terrorism (those threats of coal for "naughty" people), and other misdeeds.

The news comes just days after the allegations - reported first here at the Weakly World News - that Santa, Rudolph and other North Pole figures had been named in a steroid allegations report.

We can't print the photo of Santa entering the FBI offices except to say he not only was looking very unjolly but the gesture he made with his fingers was something that would shock and confuse any children who believe in his cult his existence.

Santa's publicist, who requested anonymity on the condition that he be given his own tv show if Weakly World News ever gets its own tv station, said Santa will admit to being an obese older man with a fascination for children and thus a bit creepy. "Have public figures learned nothing from Michael Jackson's trials?" But, the blowhard publicist said, if being creepy and weird were a crime then would Howie Mandel not be behind bars rather than the host of a tv show?

The FBI said they were acting on a tip by Homeland Security when they first began looking into allegations of Santa.

"At first we were considering going after him for entering people's homes, apparently via the chimney, all across the nation, if not the world," FBI Spokesman EyeNeedA Real Job told Weakly World News. "But prosecuting him on many counts would take forever. However, and don't put this in that rag you write for, we are considering going after the Tooth Fairy to see if the Tooth Fairy will roll over on Santa if granted immunity."

But it was two pieces of evidence that led to Santa's arrest. The first detail was that in interviews with "multiple subjects" it became clear that Santa not only interacted almost exclusively with children but he even had assistants, apparently acting on his behalf, at shopping malls across the country, in an apparent bid at mind control that makes the Manchurian Candidate look like the work of wimps.

What really got the FBI's case was an examination of the lyrics of one song, a tune with lyrics so freaky and stalkerish that even Sting (recently released from prison for the stalker anthem "Every Breath You Take") said, "That bloody Santa fool is taking things too far."

We quote the lyrics below:

You better watch out You better not cry Better not pout I'm telling you why Santa Claus is coming to town He's making a list And checking it twice; Gonna find out Who's naughty and nice Santa Claus is coming to town He sees you when you're sleeping He knows when you're awake He knows if you've been bad or good So be good for goodness sake! O! You better watch out!

"At first glance it seems like just another catchy song. But look carefully at the wording. The most troubling part to us was this: 'He sees you when you're sleeping He knows when you're awake' It's hard to read this as anything other than stalking because how else would he know? And then there is the implied threat of 'He knows if you've been bad or good So be good for goodness sake!'

Back To Top